I'm Begging You.

Today, I've been sick and just laying in bed listening to music. Contemplating life and all of it's problems...

You know, the usual.

I'm not sure how I got to thinking about this, but I started thinking about the kids at my school who get laughed at all the time. The girls in the back rows do a poor job of trying to stifle their laughter whenever these other kids happen answer too quickly, or act too quirky. The people I call my friends enjoy imitating their voices or jokes, just to get a few laughs from everyone else.

Two of their favorite targets happen to be kind of a couple, and one day a friend of mine walked past them and whispered to me, "Nerd flirting is so funny." The way she said it made it sound like she could have just as easily been talking about bird watching or describing her pet dog. They are human beings with feelings and emotions. Them liking each other is no different than any of other "cute" couples at my school.

I wonder if my friends can see me falling apart underneath. They say they love me, they think I'm awesome, and I'm so fantastic... but do they know that I was one of those people? That what they are doing to someone else, was done to me? Do they know how it breaks my heart to watch them laugh at other kids even when I've told them I was made fun of?

I feel guilty. I shouldn't be one of the girls sitting in the back row. I should be up front, suffering with the rest of those poor souls. Because that's who I was. I was that front row kid. I heard the chuckles, giggles, and I'm familiar with all the eye rolls and glares.

Sometimes I find myself getting caught up in the jokes, and I laugh along out of a desperate need to fit in. But then afterwards, when I realize what I've done, I wish I was dead. Those girls in the back rows drove me to actually thinking about suicide. And now I was one of them?

I only went through that for a semester, and it could have been so much worse. What about the kids who have no where to go? Who have felt the way I did for years, if not their entire lives... I wouldn't wish that pain on any human being.

I wonder if my friends know that them laughing at someone else for just being different, hurts me. I've told several of my friends more or less what I went through, and they still laugh at those other kids. Do they just not get it? Maybe they won't ever see that helpless, lonely girl sprawled out on her bedroom floor screaming for God to end it, but even if they did, would they care?

If you're reading this, I'm begging you, from the bottom of my heart, realize just what you're doing when you laugh from the back row at the misfits. Your little "jokes" travel so much farther than you will ever know. And they can destroy a person. I'm praying that I, myself, can stay strong and not fall into that. I'm begging you to try to be strong too.