Many Dances.

I was feeling really depressed over this weekend.  Feeling totally left out with prom, and debating what I was going to do this week. And to be honest, I wish it was Saturday. Then this week would just be over and done.

For some reason, I broke down in tears while talking to my mom. I couldn't believe I admitted it, but I told her about my conversation with God I had had the other day driving home from school. It basically consisted of me yelling at God and saying, "Why do I have to be me?" or "Why do I always look like the idiot friend who dared hope that a guy might like her? But instead they only pay attention to her because of her friend?"

I decided that I needed some time alone with God. So I took a journal my mom wrote for me when I was little, went to an apartment my family owns, locked myself in, and learned about me.

I literally had a little composition book that on the first page I wrote "Meet You." And God introduced me to me. The me before I was scared to be me. I learned that I'm a lover. I love people. I love being with people. I love making people laugh, and love showing people God's love.

I loved getting to meet me. But I felt discouraged too. Why can't that girl come out now? Why can't I be a loving, smiling, laughing, dancing, singing, free girl now? Because what I was learning was that's who I am. Deep down, from my very beginning, that's who I am. But it sure doesn't look like that now. At least, not to me.

Then a four year old girl told me something, and I know it's what is going to carry me through all the discouragement. There was a four year old girl, dancing with her daddy, listening and enjoying the music, being herself and being totally free. Suddenly she stopped... her big blue eyes looked up at me, and she smiled. Pointing to herself she said, "I have many dances here in my heart."

I was that four year old girl.

My heart almost burst. I said out loud, "You have many great things to do, and many people to love. A few disappointments will never change that. Sweet girl, you do have many dances in your heart." How could I, at only four years old, have ever known that one day that statement would get me through big disappointments? I couldn't have had any idea. I was just stating what was true.

And I can't believe, that maybe, that's still true.

I have many dances here in my heart. <3