I Despise Research Papers.

The world would be much better of if there was no such thing as a research paper. Or at least, not a ten-page-research-paper-where-I-have-enough-information-to-fill-3-pages-and-it's-due-in-two-days kind of research paper. -____-

Happy Ending.

I had a voice lesson today, where I totally failed. Well, okay, not totally. There was some improvement. I haven't really been practicing because I either "haven't had time" or I actually didn't have time.

She's my voice instructor, but also kind of a counselor/therapist. lol Every time I get stressed or nervous or feel crappy about myself, it has an impact on my voice and breathing. So she has to get to the bottom of it. Today I told her about all the stress I've been feeling about prom coming up. I didn't go into much detail about it all, I just said it was stressful.

She seemed to understand what I was thinking though, about the guys not liking me. She told me about her prom story, where the guy she had a huge crush on didn't ask her to go, but that she ending up going with one of her girlfriends and she had more fun than she would have with a date. It's not that I don't get that, I mean, I probably would have more fun by myself when I'm actually there.

It's just the leading up to it is all. It's lonely. And it's kind of painful.

At school I just suck it up and deal with it. But at home I can't help but break down. Then I realize that all the stuff I hold inside all day ends up coming out when I least expect it and I can't control it. Then people ask me what's wrong and I don't know.

So yes. This is me not bottling it all up. This is me saying, yes, I would love for certain guy to ask me to prom. And this is me saying that yes, it totally sucks when that guy ends up not asking me, which he probably won't.

But either way, I know it'll all have a happy ending. Someday, it'll have a happy ending.

Friends and Other Sadnesses.

Today, two of my friends were laughing at an old journal they used to pass between them and two other girls in middle school. They were cracking up and it was all I could do to not cry. I'm probably just moody, but it brought back painful memories.

Parties I wasn't invited to.

Inside jokes I was on the outside of.

Classes spent without my only friend.

Days spent totally alone.

It's funny because my friends don't even remember that. They don't know how it felt to be on the outside looking in. They're two of my best friends now and they don't even know that I felt totally alone when I was with them... for two years straight. That's something I just can't tell them.

So let them laugh about the "good old days" of middle school.

Ah yes. The good old days.

WOULD EVERYONE PLEASE SHUT UP ABOUT PROM.

PLEASE. It's so. freaking. annoying.

"Oh my god, Josh asked Megan!!!"

"No way!!! Oh my word guess what?! I heard a rumor that so-and-so was going to ask you!"

"Not possible! I told him to ask so-and-so, and he's like, 'Yeah totally!'"

"NO WAY...."


Shut up. Just shut up.

I honestly could care less who gets asked to prom by whom. I don't care! I probably won't have a date, even though I'd be happy to go with somebody. But do I care? No! I could care less if nobody asks me to prom, I might go do something else that night anyway. I have better things to do (:

But seriously? This next month is pure torture. EVERY SINGLE GIRL HAS NOTHING ELSE TO DO BUT TALK ABOUT PROM.

I like shopping for dresses. I like a little bit of planning dinners. I like a little bit of the suspense of who is going to ask who. But I can only take so much of it. And I can't get away from it.

Like right now, I'm in a coffee shop and two girls behind me are talking about it.

Waiting for prom to be over. I mean come on, it's just a dance people. lol

Today.

I miss the beach. I really want to go again to see the sun rise. It was so beautiful. I'd love to go and purposefully sit away from everyone else and spend some time with the Lord. I wonder how many people actually notice the sun rising every morning. I'm sure tons of people are up before the sun rises each morning, but I wonder how many of them actually take the time to notice it.

It's a glorious masterpiece that's created every. single. morning. Think about it. What would happen if one day the sun didn't rise? If one day, the Earth stopped spinning? People would notice it then! The Lord paints a beautiful picture every day for us to see.

I know God is all powerful, all knowing, and magnificent beyond my understanding. But for me, most of the time, God lets me see his sweet, gentle side. And I can't help but wonder, even being the incredible incomprehensible being that He is, what if every day God tries to give us a gift, small in comparison to everything else He's given us, to remind us that He still cares.

That He's still going to "make everything be ok."

I can't help but picture a boy who is totally smitten with one particular girl. He draws her a sweet picture of a rose and a heart, and makes a little note to go along with it. Nervously, he hides it somewhere he knows she's sure to find it... and then he waits. He hopes and prays and wishes that she'll find it and she'll love it. Then maybe, just maybe, she'll notice him.

And I can't help but wonder if God, even though he's all-powerful, all-knowing, and impossible to describe, doesn't have the same feeling that boy does.

"Maybe today someone will notice my painting."

"Maybe today they'll stop to enjoy the gift I made for them."

"Maybe, just maybe... today one of them will notice me."