Back to school and all of that nonsense.

My summer is officially over in one week. It's depressing, considering I had been looking forward to this particular summer for a very, very long time. I always thought that the first summer I had my license would be one of the best of my life. This proved to be true. The summer of 2012 has been my favorite so far. (:

Although I'm excited to take on the academic challenges of junior year, I'm dreading reentering the high school social scene. Over the summer I get to pick and choose who I hang out with and who I avoid. I haven't really been avoiding anyone in particular, but I'm not especially eager to see everyone every day again. 

Things I'm dreading about going back to school:

- the dances

- the painfully shallow conversations

- the drama

- the crazy amounts of homework

- the majority of the freshmen class

- the pressure to get really good grades because it's my junior year

- the class presentations (I always shake so much I can hardly stand and I'm almost always on the verge of being sick.)

I guess it's only fair to write what I'm looking forward to as well.

- new friends (we have some new kids in our class)

- hanging out with old/new friends (friends I've made over the summer and last year)

- participating in NHS

- going to basketball and football games

- being in two classes taught by my favorite teacher

- taking on the harder classes

- dual enrolling and getting college credit

- being in yearbook

- the high school retreat

- chapel every Friday

- going back to school with a new attitude and fewer insecurities 

- being one of the upperclassmen 

- being one year away from being a senior 

- moving campuses and getting a locker for once

- getting to know the few freshmen that aren't annoying (;

So I guess I'm looking forward to a lot more than I'm dreading. I just need to take a deep breath, and trust that God has it all under control. He isn't going to send me back unprepared. I feel different, and I just know that this year is going to be different for me somehow. That isn't going to change just because it's something I want to happen. That's not how God works. 

And I still have one week. I think I'll spend most of it praying about next year. Praying that it's different.

Lucky.

Or maybe the proper word is blessed.

I'm so blessed.

It's been a rough five, almost six years now, for me. Not by lots of other people's standards--just me personally. But this past summer has probably been the best of my life. I've become friends with some people in my class that I thought I could only hope to become friends with. I've spent time with some amazing family members that I haven't seen in five years. But more than that, God has radically changed my perspective on who I am and my individual personality.

I'm starting to really like and enjoy me.

No, scratch that--

I freaking love me.

It blows my mind how different I feel. Even if other people don't notice the difference, I sure as heck do. I'm more creative. I'm happier. I'm more relaxed. I think generally I'm more fun to be around. Things that would have terrified me four months ago don't scare me in the slightest. Going back to school next year will be the ultimate test to see if I really am different or if I just feel different. I already know the answer. I may not be as brave as I am right now at school next year, but I know there will be an improvement.

Somehow or someway, my junior year is going to be different. Don't ask me how I know that-- I just do.

And I. am. so. excited.

Adventure.

Don’t ever be afraid of an adventure. Be wise, certainly, but don’t turn up your nose at hard work or a little bit of pain. Those are clear indicators that you are headed for an adventure. If it were all fun, laughter, and love, then books would never sell. Every story needs a few scary twists and turns that build the protagonist’s character. Without those cuts and bruises, and occasionally tears, the reader would not be brought to their knees at the ending. There would be no cheering. No outbursts of laughter. No joyful tears. It would just simply be, “The End.” But as all readers know, the end of a good story leaves you with something unforgettable. Whether it is good, bad, or ugly, you are left with a piece of an adventure you would have never had otherwise.

So don’t be afraid of what others will say when you wear your heart on your sleeve, say what you really truly mean, and fight till you can’t even stand. Those are all the signs of someone on a grand adventure. Don’t be afraid of the villains, every good story needs them. You will end your story with some wounds, scars, and plenty of broken hearts. But you’ll gain a passion, strength, and respect that you couldn’t have had without some struggle.

Leave the ones reading your story with more than “The End.” Live so adventurously that they are left with something when they turn the final page. When you encounter a challenge, face it head on. When you feel pain, keep your head held high. When you hear them whisper about you, know that that’s how people always talk about even the greatest of heroes.

Don’t ever be afraid of an adventure.

            

That Terrifying Moment.

So I had this terrifying moment just now, where I kind of missed the 8th grade.

But the feeling went away quickly.

Phew.

That was scary.

I Wonder.

I wonder what would happen if we told people that they matter to us. What would happen if you actually told the people you care about that you care about them, instead of just assuming they know? What if we actually said what we felt and weren't scared of embarrassment? What if the word "love" actually meant something to us? What if we said, "I love you" to each other, and meant it? What if we followed through and stood up for each other and never backed down? Could that happen, I wonder, if people knew that they mattered?

I'm Begging You.

Today, I've been sick and just laying in bed listening to music. Contemplating life and all of it's problems...

You know, the usual.

I'm not sure how I got to thinking about this, but I started thinking about the kids at my school who get laughed at all the time. The girls in the back rows do a poor job of trying to stifle their laughter whenever these other kids happen answer too quickly, or act too quirky. The people I call my friends enjoy imitating their voices or jokes, just to get a few laughs from everyone else.

Two of their favorite targets happen to be kind of a couple, and one day a friend of mine walked past them and whispered to me, "Nerd flirting is so funny." The way she said it made it sound like she could have just as easily been talking about bird watching or describing her pet dog. They are human beings with feelings and emotions. Them liking each other is no different than any of other "cute" couples at my school.

I wonder if my friends can see me falling apart underneath. They say they love me, they think I'm awesome, and I'm so fantastic... but do they know that I was one of those people? That what they are doing to someone else, was done to me? Do they know how it breaks my heart to watch them laugh at other kids even when I've told them I was made fun of?

I feel guilty. I shouldn't be one of the girls sitting in the back row. I should be up front, suffering with the rest of those poor souls. Because that's who I was. I was that front row kid. I heard the chuckles, giggles, and I'm familiar with all the eye rolls and glares.

Sometimes I find myself getting caught up in the jokes, and I laugh along out of a desperate need to fit in. But then afterwards, when I realize what I've done, I wish I was dead. Those girls in the back rows drove me to actually thinking about suicide. And now I was one of them?

I only went through that for a semester, and it could have been so much worse. What about the kids who have no where to go? Who have felt the way I did for years, if not their entire lives... I wouldn't wish that pain on any human being.

I wonder if my friends know that them laughing at someone else for just being different, hurts me. I've told several of my friends more or less what I went through, and they still laugh at those other kids. Do they just not get it? Maybe they won't ever see that helpless, lonely girl sprawled out on her bedroom floor screaming for God to end it, but even if they did, would they care?

If you're reading this, I'm begging you, from the bottom of my heart, realize just what you're doing when you laugh from the back row at the misfits. Your little "jokes" travel so much farther than you will ever know. And they can destroy a person. I'm praying that I, myself, can stay strong and not fall into that. I'm begging you to try to be strong too.

Can't You Spell?

I have quite a few little pet peeves.

I can't stand spitting noises. Like someone smacking their food, or that nasty sucking sound when the dentist puts the thing in your mouth that keeps you from drooling.

It freaks me out when people crack their knuckles, or bend their fingers in unnatural ways. Toes, backs, necks, and arms are all fine. Just not their knuckles and fingers.

It bothers me when people randomly touch me. I love hugs, and I'm sure when I have a boyfriend I'll enjoy him kissing me or putting his arm around me. But anything else drives me crazy, like when a friend randomly pats my back or rubs my arm. It appears normal to everyone else, (even I will do this to my friends when they're sad because apparently that makes a lot of people feel better?), but it bothers me.

And I'm also annoyed by the fact that most people are incapable of spelling my name right. I have a last name that can be kind of difficult to spell, but lots of people do. My problem is that my first name is also difficult to spell, because my parent's spelled it differently than it's usually spelled. I love my name. But why is it that no one ever gets it right? I mean, it's not like I'm going to actually get mad at them. Just a pet peeve. A slight annoyance.

It works the other way too though, because when someone does spell my name right, it makes me very happy(;

Just Because I'm Me.

I was just realizing how many incredible people I have in my life. People who understand what I'm feeling and who love me and care for me even when I feel totally worthless. 

When I feel frustrated because I'm so shy, cautious, and scared... I realize that if I was a different person- with a different personality... I wouldn't know the amazing people that I do.

I got to spend my whole Friday evening with these awesome people. I went to a high school "battle of the bands" kind of competition and had a blast! Even though I couldn't hear for ten minutes afterwards...

I drove a good friend of mine there cause he didn't have a ride. He's pretty much the only guy I'm not scared to talk too so as much as he can drive me crazy sometimes, I still love him to death. Once I was there, I got to hang out with one of my best friends. She's amazing. Then afterwards I got to go to the Avengers movie with two of the coolest women ever. My English teachers. (; They're pretty fantastic.  

All of these people matter so much to me. I was thinking about them, and all of the other people I didn't even see that night. I love them all so much. And I really wish they knew that. I don't usually have the guts to tell people that they matter to me. In fact, I don't usually have the guts to say much of anything. 

Most of them will never read this, but if they do, I just want to say... 

You are incredible. I'm ridiculously thankful and blessed to have you in my life. I wish I wasn't so shy or terrified of what people think of me... and maybe someday I won't be, so I can come back and thank you in person. Maybe then I can tell you how much I love each one of you, and how much you've impacted my life. Thank you for being the few people, out of the billions of people in this world, that love me and care about me. Just because I'm me. 

Oh Right... Instagram.

I love how everyone is so obsessed with this "new, inventive, creative app." Yes, I know. It's life changing.

I hope you caught my sarcasm.

I think Instagram is not only a waste of time, but it's also kind of creepy...

Think about it! You're posting pictures of yourself, your friends, and just about everything you do and almost anyone can see it. There's probably tons of embarrassing photos of me on there and I wouldn't even know. I don't have an Instagram. No, not because I'm trying to stand up and go against the crowd, just because I don't have a fancy smart phone or an iPod that can take pictures. So I'm out of the loop. Not that I mind that much. I mean come on, it really is dumb.


"Oooo! I'm eating ice cream! INSTAGRAM IT."


"Hey! I'm gonna go shopping! INSTAGRAM IT."


"Don't I look sexy today? Let me take a picture of my face in the mirror and then... INSTAGRAM IT."

Spare us. -___-

Many Dances.

I was feeling really depressed over this weekend.  Feeling totally left out with prom, and debating what I was going to do this week. And to be honest, I wish it was Saturday. Then this week would just be over and done.

For some reason, I broke down in tears while talking to my mom. I couldn't believe I admitted it, but I told her about my conversation with God I had had the other day driving home from school. It basically consisted of me yelling at God and saying, "Why do I have to be me?" or "Why do I always look like the idiot friend who dared hope that a guy might like her? But instead they only pay attention to her because of her friend?"

I decided that I needed some time alone with God. So I took a journal my mom wrote for me when I was little, went to an apartment my family owns, locked myself in, and learned about me.

I literally had a little composition book that on the first page I wrote "Meet You." And God introduced me to me. The me before I was scared to be me. I learned that I'm a lover. I love people. I love being with people. I love making people laugh, and love showing people God's love.

I loved getting to meet me. But I felt discouraged too. Why can't that girl come out now? Why can't I be a loving, smiling, laughing, dancing, singing, free girl now? Because what I was learning was that's who I am. Deep down, from my very beginning, that's who I am. But it sure doesn't look like that now. At least, not to me.

Then a four year old girl told me something, and I know it's what is going to carry me through all the discouragement. There was a four year old girl, dancing with her daddy, listening and enjoying the music, being herself and being totally free. Suddenly she stopped... her big blue eyes looked up at me, and she smiled. Pointing to herself she said, "I have many dances here in my heart."

I was that four year old girl.

My heart almost burst. I said out loud, "You have many great things to do, and many people to love. A few disappointments will never change that. Sweet girl, you do have many dances in your heart." How could I, at only four years old, have ever known that one day that statement would get me through big disappointments? I couldn't have had any idea. I was just stating what was true.

And I can't believe, that maybe, that's still true.

I have many dances here in my heart. <3

I Despise Research Papers.

The world would be much better of if there was no such thing as a research paper. Or at least, not a ten-page-research-paper-where-I-have-enough-information-to-fill-3-pages-and-it's-due-in-two-days kind of research paper. -____-

Happy Ending.

I had a voice lesson today, where I totally failed. Well, okay, not totally. There was some improvement. I haven't really been practicing because I either "haven't had time" or I actually didn't have time.

She's my voice instructor, but also kind of a counselor/therapist. lol Every time I get stressed or nervous or feel crappy about myself, it has an impact on my voice and breathing. So she has to get to the bottom of it. Today I told her about all the stress I've been feeling about prom coming up. I didn't go into much detail about it all, I just said it was stressful.

She seemed to understand what I was thinking though, about the guys not liking me. She told me about her prom story, where the guy she had a huge crush on didn't ask her to go, but that she ending up going with one of her girlfriends and she had more fun than she would have with a date. It's not that I don't get that, I mean, I probably would have more fun by myself when I'm actually there.

It's just the leading up to it is all. It's lonely. And it's kind of painful.

At school I just suck it up and deal with it. But at home I can't help but break down. Then I realize that all the stuff I hold inside all day ends up coming out when I least expect it and I can't control it. Then people ask me what's wrong and I don't know.

So yes. This is me not bottling it all up. This is me saying, yes, I would love for certain guy to ask me to prom. And this is me saying that yes, it totally sucks when that guy ends up not asking me, which he probably won't.

But either way, I know it'll all have a happy ending. Someday, it'll have a happy ending.

Friends and Other Sadnesses.

Today, two of my friends were laughing at an old journal they used to pass between them and two other girls in middle school. They were cracking up and it was all I could do to not cry. I'm probably just moody, but it brought back painful memories.

Parties I wasn't invited to.

Inside jokes I was on the outside of.

Classes spent without my only friend.

Days spent totally alone.

It's funny because my friends don't even remember that. They don't know how it felt to be on the outside looking in. They're two of my best friends now and they don't even know that I felt totally alone when I was with them... for two years straight. That's something I just can't tell them.

So let them laugh about the "good old days" of middle school.

Ah yes. The good old days.

WOULD EVERYONE PLEASE SHUT UP ABOUT PROM.

PLEASE. It's so. freaking. annoying.

"Oh my god, Josh asked Megan!!!"

"No way!!! Oh my word guess what?! I heard a rumor that so-and-so was going to ask you!"

"Not possible! I told him to ask so-and-so, and he's like, 'Yeah totally!'"

"NO WAY...."


Shut up. Just shut up.

I honestly could care less who gets asked to prom by whom. I don't care! I probably won't have a date, even though I'd be happy to go with somebody. But do I care? No! I could care less if nobody asks me to prom, I might go do something else that night anyway. I have better things to do (:

But seriously? This next month is pure torture. EVERY SINGLE GIRL HAS NOTHING ELSE TO DO BUT TALK ABOUT PROM.

I like shopping for dresses. I like a little bit of planning dinners. I like a little bit of the suspense of who is going to ask who. But I can only take so much of it. And I can't get away from it.

Like right now, I'm in a coffee shop and two girls behind me are talking about it.

Waiting for prom to be over. I mean come on, it's just a dance people. lol

Today.

I miss the beach. I really want to go again to see the sun rise. It was so beautiful. I'd love to go and purposefully sit away from everyone else and spend some time with the Lord. I wonder how many people actually notice the sun rising every morning. I'm sure tons of people are up before the sun rises each morning, but I wonder how many of them actually take the time to notice it.

It's a glorious masterpiece that's created every. single. morning. Think about it. What would happen if one day the sun didn't rise? If one day, the Earth stopped spinning? People would notice it then! The Lord paints a beautiful picture every day for us to see.

I know God is all powerful, all knowing, and magnificent beyond my understanding. But for me, most of the time, God lets me see his sweet, gentle side. And I can't help but wonder, even being the incredible incomprehensible being that He is, what if every day God tries to give us a gift, small in comparison to everything else He's given us, to remind us that He still cares.

That He's still going to "make everything be ok."

I can't help but picture a boy who is totally smitten with one particular girl. He draws her a sweet picture of a rose and a heart, and makes a little note to go along with it. Nervously, he hides it somewhere he knows she's sure to find it... and then he waits. He hopes and prays and wishes that she'll find it and she'll love it. Then maybe, just maybe, she'll notice him.

And I can't help but wonder if God, even though he's all-powerful, all-knowing, and impossible to describe, doesn't have the same feeling that boy does.

"Maybe today someone will notice my painting."

"Maybe today they'll stop to enjoy the gift I made for them."

"Maybe, just maybe... today one of them will notice me."

The Hunger Games.

Alright. Let me clear some things up.

The Hunger Games is a very good story. (Not super good, but very good) It has an interesting, if somewhat gruesome, plot and once you start reading it it's hard to put it down. I was slightly disappointed by the last book, but it was a good ending all the same.

I'd highly recommend going to see the movie. It's not exactly like the book... they did change a few things... but it's a great adaptation of it. Obviously, the book is always better because you get to know and understand the characters far better than you would from just watching a movie. And also in the book, it's written from the main character's point of view so you always know what she's thinking. In the movie you don't.

But still, even though they cut out some parts and change a few things, it's extremely close to the book.

Go see it!

Sunrise.

I got to go to the beach today to see the sun rise. It was so beautiful! I took this picture around 7:30ish. It was so awesome to see (:

I took a couple of other pictures too...

Right before the sun came up.

Footprints

Shop Till You Drop.

I never truly understood those words until this weekend. I've been searching and searching and searching for a bathing suit. It's ridiculous. I either pay $5,000,000 for one or I look like a total slut. It's awful.

I finally found one.

And I still have to shop for some more shirts to wear on my vacation. All my old summer clothes don't fit anymore, and the only other shirts that I own have long sleeves. It's soooo hard to find cute clothes! Arrrg. But when I do find an outfit that fits, looks cute, and is affordable, I feel so very successful. I feel like I'm a hunter who has finally caught it's prey. Of course that's being a bit melodramatic. But it's still a great feeling to go on a successful shopping trip.

Spanish. Public Speaking. And Phobias.

Spanish class. My best and worst subject.

How is this possible?

Well, perhaps it has something to do with my irrational fear of public speaking. Public speaking meaning speaking in front of more than three people. Maybe four, depending on how well I know them.

When my teacher asks me something privately, or at least when no one else is listening, it's like I'm half hispanic and I've been speaking Spanish along with English my whole life. (Okay, exaggeration...) But then when I'm called on in class to answer something.... it's like... "hablo..... que... how-do-you-pronounce-that.... I-don't-remember-what-this-word-means..." You get the picture. lol It's actually pretty funny, at least for my close friends. They don't really understand my phobia.

They really don't get it. When I get up to present any school project, my entire body shakes, my heart races, and I swear I forget how to breathe. And I totally suck at pretending that I'm not nervous. Oh my word.

In any other situation, if I'm a little nervous but not petrified, I just get really quiet. I was actually texting one of my friends not too long ago, and I happened to mention how I get super nervous before school dances. He was like, "What...? You are?" I was like, "Yeah, but I mean I get nervous no matter what when I'm around guys. Why do you think I'm always so quiet around you guys?" He said he'd never really thought of that before. That's what a lot of people think.

"She's just shy."


Story of my life. But it's not too bad, people always assume the quiet one is sweet and kind. Like seriously, you don't know how many times classmates have written that in my yearbooks.

"You're so sweet and kind! I'm going to miss you over the summer!"

As much as I detest the whole "shy and quiet" label, it's always nice to have that kind of reputation with people to begin with. So I suppose my nervousness is sometimes a good thing? (:

Btw.

Oh. By the way.

Don't try to get a tan when it's not sunny outside. It doesn't work very well.

And your sister and one of her friends might laugh at you.

College Kid?

Whoa. Weirdddddd.

I'm dual-enrolling next year, which means technically I'm a college student as well as a high school student. I mean no one thinks that way. But still. I'll be taking college level courses and I get high school credit as well as college credit.

I'm going to have so much school work..... -_____-

Laziness and other nightmares.

Okay. I get it. You're tired and don't want to do the dishes. Maybe for a second I would think you're lazy, but I actually did the same thing a couple of days ago. So I'll let it slide.

That's not the kind of "lazy people" that I'm talking about. I'm talking about those people who are generally lazy. Like, they don't care about money, grades, responsibilities, or anything. They're the people who 'dance through life'-go see the musical Wicked- and get away with it. It's annoying.

It's those people who say they're going to do great things, and then they don't work hard for it. A lot of the times, as far as school and teenagers are concerned, it's the super smart kids who are the laziest. They've never really had to work for good grades so they don't try. And other times, it's the kids who think they're stupid, so they play it up and don't try. That way, if they fail, no one will think twice.

I'd rather try and fail than be considered stupid to begin with. But I can certainly sympathize with those people. I'm afraid to be laughed at. Oh sure, you say, isn't everybody? I guess so. For me it doesn't matter if it's a giggle, a loud laugh, or whatever. Even if it's not directed at me. If I hear someone laugh in class, and I don't know who or what they're laughing at... and I have even just an inkling of an idea that they might be laughing at me... I freak. I can't breathe, I start to shake, and I'm paralyzed. Like I can't think and I can't focus. There's a reason for that. But it's not one that I'm interested in sharing on a public blog right now.

But you're smart. I'm sure you could figure it out somehow.

Anyways, I can sympathize with people not wanting to fail. Not wanting to get laughed at. But either way, people who are just generally lazy because they can be? #Don'tUnderstandThosePeople

Spring Break equals sand, saltwater, and hopefully tans not sunburns.

Oh Spring Break, how I've missed you!

Third quarter in high school can kick you're butt. With the last minute grades and homework and tests, I almost died. But the relief of a Spring Break is always worth it. I just got a super cute new bathing suit, and I'll be spending almost the entire week at the beach. 

Like I said, I'm hoping for a really nice tan and not a really bad sunburn D: 

This is going to be a fun week(: